Comfort in CHAOS

Each and every day the adrenaline rush is at a deficit for me. The constant urge for that rush of emotion, loud noises, explosions, ducking for cover, shooting, being shot at all of that equals that fact that I find comfort in chaos. Now I am not saying I am constantly hoping for something to happen, but I am saying I look for alternatives to give me that same rush and unfortunately in the post military/combat world it is nearly impossible unless I am able to drive 100+ miles an hour on the highway or I am throwing weights around at the gym with my headphones on max volume listening to the same songs I would blast in my headphones before a raid or a dangerous op or the sad reality is because we can drive 100+ miles an hour or ride around raiding houses anymore or heck just saying screw this I don’t want to go through this anymore let me just jump off a bridge or crash my car into something at 1,000 miles an hour. I mean if I am being 100% real here some Veterans turn to alternative methods to numb the pain and reality of the fact that we cant quench that thirst whether it is alcohol abuse, drug abuse, abuse of your family, friends I mean the list is almost endless because at least in my case I thirst for something to quantify that feeling each and every day. I truly find comfort in chaos; I often think to myself if I was back in Iraq right now in combat I would not have PTSD there. I would be like a lion roaming in the wild, I would be in my natural habitat.  I mean the sheer thought of going back to combat almost warms my heart to an extent, but the reality is I have a family now and too many friends that care about me to give in to those thoughts. What I have chosen to do since I left combat is use that energy and desire to be a better human being, Husband, Father, Son, Friend, professional etc. , but still the desire is still there inside of me in a dark corner staring at me like Pennywise also known as the clown from the cult classic “IT”. There is no other way I can describe it other than I find “COMFORT IN CHAOS”.

– Jose Belen- 30 May 2017

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